Quitting Time

Are you a quitter? I've quit many things in my life at different times;  alcohol, sugar, eating animals, watching TV, unhealthy relationships...   I have grown to believe that when I want or need to do a thing, whether for work, or money, or health, I am disciplined, I will be able to just do it.  Ive got the evidence.  Right?
Not always. In fact, not so much RIGHT NOW. So, I feel inclined to contemplate exactly what happened to me that shifted the locus of power from "out there" to "in here', how I accessed the belief and experience that I am indeed able to create the results I desire, to shape the landscape of my life into what I want it to be.  
There were years of my life when the state of my mind, my inner thoughts, were dark and bleak. I did not like, much less love, myself.  And I felt powerless to make changes.  I was identified with myself as a creature that was not lucky, or happy, or lovable, and I did not know that I had the ability within to change any of it, to choose to be different.  I felt like I just was the way I was,  I was born that way, and that was the way things were meant to be for me. I lived in that state for many years, and overall my life and the will to continue on seemed to spiral downward.  Truth be told, I barely made it out alive.  
Looking back I see that I had to come to the end of that version of myself,  small and finite. When I did, I did not just disappear...a new experience of mySelf was born.  Slowly, over the course of time, everything has changed. Bit by bit, choice by choice, a new life, a new landscape, defined by different qualities;   peace, purpose, happiness, joy, (yes they are different!)faith, humility. These days , when I want to create change, it seems like the power to do so just is.
Here in the third week of January 2021, I am NOT exactly where I want to be, in some ways.  I am taking some time to reflect more deeply on what I want, and why, who in the world I think I am. I am looking at what is needed in the world and how I can make moves to be part of a hopeful future. While I feel challenged to keep daily disciplines, I realize it is because I have outgrown a particular version of myself.  Where I am going, this old me does not belong.  Time for new thoughts, new behaviors, new inner conversations.  I realize I am excited to meet the new me.